I’m sure we’ve all had famous childhood crushes. Mine consisted mainly of David Bowie in Labyrinth, Andrew McCarthy in Mannequin, Lee Sharpe from Manchester United and Liono from Thundercats. A couple of months ago, when I heard that my biggest childhood crush of all, Prince William, was due to be married to Kate Middleton on 29th April this year, my heart sank. I literally thought Oh my God, I’m officially never going to be married to this man! I immediately thought Right, who is this bint? WHO IS SHE?! I was prepared to hate the poor girl who unbeknown to her took my fantasy childhood sweetheart from under me. Me and Wills grew up together damn it! I kept thinking.
But all this seemed to change recently, when I caught sight of her singing the Welsh National Anthem. MY Anthem, which, let’s face it, if you’re not Welsh, is pretty hard to sing! Somehow though, she made the effort to learn it and seemed to win a few points from me. It was then when I started thinking, maybe this chick’s not too bad after all. She’s come from a middle class family and been thrust into the limelight and probably got accused of breaking the hearts of women all over the UK my age. Let’s give her a break! I’ve decided to give you all 10 reasons why Miss Middleton is actually cool as hell and why we should get behind her!
1. She modelled a dress at a St. Andrew’s University Fashion Show which cost $40 to make. After she gets married the value will go up to $160,000! If I become famous from selling millions of copies of my book, I’m selling School Prom dress on eBay!
2. She likes Wimbledon. I like Wimbledon. She doesn’t want to go and watch some polo match, she wants to watch Murray get beaten in the semi-finals and sing songs in the rain with Cliff Richard. Perfect.
3. She’s been assigned 4 bodyguards. I’ve always wanted bodyguards – not that I’m well-known enough to have any of course, but still. Bradley Cooper only had 2 bodyguards in Limitless. Kate gets 4!
4. She went to the same college as Chris De Burgh. Lady in Red is a classic so she gets cool points for that already! The boys in my sixth form used to have milk-drinking competitions and spew in the bins! Nice.
5. She was born in 192 and is 5 months older than Wills, making him her toyboy. Everyone loves a toyboy, it’s a bonus if he happens to be the future King of England!
6. She’s a style icon. It makes a nice, welcoming change to have the future Queen as our style icon instead of some bint from The Only Way is Essex!
7. Her parent’s own a party supply company! I don’t know about you but this make me want to have the biggest house party and order a load of almost-royal party supplies!
8. She used to play hockey, tennis, netball, rounders and she was a swimmer! She’s my sister from another Mister!
9. She’s eighth cousin eight times removed to President George Washington. I have absolutely no idea what this means – I don’t even know if that’s blood-related or not! – but to say you’re related to a president? More cool points. I’ve decided to start the rumour that I’m related to Charlie Sheen.
10. She’s allergic to horses. The Royals are all about horses, we know this, so power to her for struggling through! After all, it’s not too bad a flaw to have around royals as far as flaws go. Mine would be an inability to shut the hell up, which let’s face it, would probably cause more of a problem!
Well I hope you’ve all sat there reading this, realising that this girl ain’t that bad. Saying that, I’m still not sure if I’ll be able to watch the wedding without balling my eyes out with a tub of Ben & Jerrys and Eric Carmen All By Myself on repeat!