Man Chat

I was lucky enough today to witness the incredible act of Man Chat. It’s important that you first understand what man chat is exactly. It’s not simply men talking, it’s when a group of men come together to say all the latest goings on in their lives – in this case, over a game of Fifa 11. The funniest thing about it is that it’s a 90mph conversation with no gaps in between statements. As soon as one guy finishes a statement about how one of his ex’s has put on a load of weight and really let herself go, another one jumps straight in with the question of how does he tell the girl he’s sleeping with that he’s not going to sleep with her anymore because she’s got BO? And they say women are bitchy! They’re actually JUST LIKE US.

 

I think it’s safe to say that the modern man has evolved and adapted to the world today. Thank you Charles Darwin. The gap in all-male and all-female conversations is narrowing. Soon they will be blending into one. No longer will women be buying Now and Heat with men buying Zoo and Nuts. There will be one Super Mag, which will be read by all. In fact, I may invent it myself and call it Now Heat the Zoo Nuts! It would probably have bikini-clad celebrities with both 3D breasts and 3D cellulite. Although I will have sacked my male features editor after he inappropriately suggested ‘scratch’n’sniff!’

I will never know, however, if those conversations were only what they were because there was a female present. Maybe they wanted me to hear these things, subconsciously, because they knew that I would pass these concerned male observations on to my female friends and they would pass it on to their friends and so forth. Sooner or later, 3 billion women would all know that men analyse everything about us, indirectly resulting in a race of perfect female specimens!

 

Clever boys, very clever!

5 Perfect First Dates

Dating is always a dangerous game to play. Racked with fear and uncertainty, it can be enjoyable (as it’s obviously meant to be!) but can also be shark-infested waters if the correct location isn’t established right at the start. Think back to how many first dates you’ve had since you first got in the game. If you’ve got lots of examples to think about then clearly you were doing something wrong. I’ve spent many a night with a bottle of red and Cookie Dough Ben & Jerry’s asking myself Why oh why did it go no further? After a long and depressing analysis of my ‘man history’ and that of those closest to me, I’ve noticed a pattern emerge which has enabled me to give you this advice. I haven’t hit 30 yet and I’m certainly no Carrie Bradshaw but think you should give some of these ideas a try!

1.      Restaurant by the Sea – A romantic restaurant is an obvious choice I know, and you’re probably thinking that you knew this anyway but the restaurant location depends on the type of man. If your new man is a City Type and by city type I mean office man or generally some sort of work that involves computer use at some point then he’ll want a place that’s the complete antithesis of what he’s used to. Don’t go to a restaurant in the city otherwise, subconsciously, he’ll associate you with work and what he’s used to, instantaneously rendering you less new and exotic. Ideally, you need to be in an environment unfamiliar to you both so you can therefore form some instant bond. 

 

2.      Restaurant in the City – Now this would be for the opposite reason of the above. If you’re a lady who’s been lucky enough to bag a gorgeous bit of rough that works on the high seas then you generally want to steer clear of a restaurant too close to his workplace. If you’re a city gal then that helps too because you can take the lead and impress him with the best local haunts to go to and manipulate him into thinking that you are actually Samantha Jones incarnate (another Sex and the City reference – I apologise!) and really know your stuff. Plus, you get the best cocktails in the city. I’m a Pina Colada girl myself.

 

3.      Live Gig – This is always a fun option, especially if your new guy is a musician himself. He’ll be relaxed and enthusiastic and enjoy the fact that he’s got the upper hand for a short time while he tries to impress you with his music knowledge. Unless you know your stuff too then try not to blag too much otherwise he WILL notice you’re trying too hard! Also, the genre of the gig is very important. You don’t want to go to rock night because you’ll spend about 3 hours having a conversation that goes exactly like this:

 “This band’s awesome!”

“What?”

“I said, THIS BAND’S AWESOME!”

“What? You’re a fan of threesomes?!”

 Not really something you want to discuss on a first date is it! Go for a relaxed jazz night. It’s classy, enjoyable, and you won’t come across as a kinky freak! (Unless that’s your thing!)

4.       Sci-Fi Convention – The chances of you actually going on this date are slim to none but I will prepare you just in case your new man is a) into comic books b) spends 23 out of 24 hours of the day playing his playstation or c) Thinks he’s been abducted by aliens and that Vampires really do exist. Whatever the convention, it’s always good to read up on the basics such as aliens, zombies, ghosts, vampires, witches and such – this doesn’t just mean watching Twilight beforehand and perving over Taylor Lautner! You need to be able to make comments such as, “I wonder if Zirk from the Glacticon’s Army will arrive on his molecule-altering ES19” and “Hang on, i’m off to get the autograph of Delia the Witch of Darkness before she heads back to conquer Eastern Europe!” Show your man you’re on bored with his girlfriend-time-hogging hobby at first and soon he’ll be putty in your hands, only playing his console to kill time on his private jet which he bought with the money he earned starting up a multi-million pound-making website. Fool-proof plan!

5.      Twenty20 Match – Ahh now then, this is more like what I’m used to. This is the venue you could take a sports fanatic. The great thing about Twenty20 cricket is that you don’t have to be into cricket to enjoy it. Watching it live at the stadium is like being at a pub, a nightclub a cricket match and a music festival, all at the same time! There are quiet moments for you to chat and get to know each other, times when you can showcase your beautiful singing voice in the debilitating chants aimed at the poor fielder on the boundary line, moments when you can impress him with a random cricket-related comment that you learned from my book Point to Fine Leg (had to get a little plug there didn’t I!) and times when you’ve got so drunk on cider and black that all your deepest, darkest secrets come out in one foul swoop – always fun!

 

I do hope that I’ve given you some good ideas to experiment with. Remember, I’m completely GENERALISING here. Believe it or not, there are more ‘man categories’ than the ones I’ve discussed e.g. chav, adrenaline-junkie, loner, metro-sexual, surfer… the list is endless! Bottom line, take into consideration who he is, what he does, where he lives and how easy he is to manipulate. In a nice way obviously! 😉

When do You Tell a Guy You’re a Cricket Buff?

Sexy and geeky about cricket? What more can a man want?

Sexy and geeky about cricket? What more can a man want?

This point is absolutely vital in a successful relationship. The simple answer to this question is Never. You should never come out and say you’re a huge cricket fan who knows everything about the game.

There’s so much to learn in this sport, this sort of statement will send the chap running for the hills! He may also become very intimidated. Either that or mistake you for a statto and escape through the bathroom window of the restaurant on the first date! It’s all about what you say and when you say it. The best way to teach you is through a first date scenario. Allow me to begin.

Meet Matt and Sarah

Matt arrives at Sarah’s house at exactly 7:45 like they’d arranged, but Sarah isn’t quite ready. Matt waits in the hallway as Sarah finishes off what she’s doing on her Sky+ box. She makes a passing comment on how what she’s recording requires too much memory space and has to delete her Glee episodes to her dismay. Matt smiles.

What is Sarah doing? She’s preparing to record an Ashes Test match without actually telling him. It subtly makes Matt think what on earth could she be recording that’s so long? Not to mention dropping hints that soon she’ll need to buy the Glee dvd boxset. Two birds, one stone.

Sarah locks the front door and they head for his brand new sports car which is parked on the road. Sarah smiles and runs her hands along the bonnet of the car.

“Mmm, good lines, good length.” She says just before getting in the passenger’s seat.

What is Sarah doing? Subtly dropping in a comment that’s usually said at a cricket match about a bowler’s bowling style. This makes Matt think ahh funny she should say it like that, you’d swear she was commentating!

After arriving at the posh, French restaurant, Matt asks Sarah where she’d like to sit. “Let’s take guard over there.” She says, pointing to the table by the window. “Howzat?” Matt gives a wry smile, nods his head and leads her to their table.

What is Sarah doing? Watering the cricket seed that she’s already planted in his head, that’s what! At this point Matt is questioning to himself as to whether she’s making these cricket references on purpose.

As the night goes on, Matt and Sarah realise they have more and more in common than they thought. They both like Michael Buble, Harry Potter films and walks along the beach. All of a sudden, Matt decides to ask Sarah a difficult question. “So what do you look for in a guy?”“Ooh you’ve got me stumped there!” She replies. “Well I don’t like a defensive guy. He’s got to be quite forward. Someone who’s into developing a good partnership. I know that this is a bit of a silly point but I do like fine legs!”

What is Sarah doing? In just one simple answer, she’s included SIX cricket references, and if Matt hasn’t worked out by now that she knows her stuff then Matt’s probably been hit in the head one too many times!

Matt and Sarah have a little giggle about her answer. In fact, Matt is so impressed with Sarah’s wit and subtleties that following the date, Matt goes online and books their next one which takes place in their own private box in the R. Primadasa Stadium in Sri Lanka ready to watch the Cricket World Cup!

You see girls? This is how to play it. Don’t be a geek and dazzle him with stats, and don’t give too much away so he can’t dazzle you back with his own cricket knowledge. It’s all about the balance. Men like to feel in charge when it comes to sport discussions, so let him have his moment!

10 Reasons to Date a Cricketer

As you may or may not know, the cricketer is a different species to most men altogether. After years of scientific study, it’s been proven that he is the safest bet of all the sportsmen out there. Having dated a few of said species myself, I strongly recommend you seek out this experience.

I was wooed, one day, by a rather good-looking batsman who wrote a letter to me whilst he was waiting to go into bat. He had been watching me from afar. He got his team bus driver to deliver it as he went in to bat. To this day it’s been the most romantic thing a man has ever done for me although I still feel slightly guilty that on that day he was run out before even facing a ball and ended up getting sledged pretty badly because of it!

This is for all you ladies who are either contemplating finding their own cricketing Prince Charming or those who have already bagged one and need reassurance of why you’re with the bugger in the first place!

  1. He’s an expert under the covers
  2. Ask for a third man and he’ll give it to you
  3. He can last for 5 days
  4. He can play into any gap
  5. He always takes excellent care of his middle stump
  6. He’ll put everything he’s got into the partnership
  7. He loves a bit of bounce
  8. He’ll sweep and polish even when he doesn’t need to
  9. His stroke play and 4-play know no boundaries
  10. He doesn’t mind using technology

What might put you off…

  • He’ll do a full toss in front of everybody
  • He might be into swinging
  • He may get through 10 partners in one day

As you can see from the scientific evidence collated over the years, the good outweighs the bad so I strongly recommend putting down that magazine with all those naughty footballers in and hotfooting it to a cricket ground in your best dress, lip gloss in hand.